When my mind is stuck…
my internal monologue while navigating my stubbornly bad mood.
By Katie Gray, member and contributor of The Church of the Sacred Synthesis
7/14/2024
I was having a bad day. 5 days later I was still having a bad day. A healing journey, regardless of what you are healing from, is never linear.
It’s hard to say when my personal journey started. It feels like I’ve been aware of lessons and living in my imagination since I was a child. I was obsessed with anything that sounded like profound philosophical wisdom and I have always wanted to know how to think better. No matter how much I’ve learned or how far I’ve come, at some point or another, I always find myself stuck back in “the dark place”. “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms.” Other descriptions of this place include, neurotic, imposter syndrome, intrusive thoughts, assuming the worst, and pure frustration. Why, when I have so much gratitude, when I know all my best qualities and worth, when I’ve worked this hard, do I still get myself stuck here? A quote from one of my favorite books by Richard Bach is, “There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.”
No one in the history of EVER has woken up in the morning and decided, “I want to be completely insane, sad, and frustrated today.” While an unconscious choice is still a choice, there is so much room for forgiveness. In fact, that’s one of the best first steps you can take to start finding your way out of being stuck. I’ve come to learn that being neurotic is a very normal part of the human condition. I’m not aware of anyone that hasn’t struggled deeply with negative thoughts and low confidence at some point. Why on earth should my personal mental struggle be judged harshly by myself or anyone else when it’s something we all go through? Beating myself up over it, while an option, doesn’t serve a purpose nor is it warranted by any sound logic.
Despite knowing this, I still chose to mentally beat myself up for 5 solid days. I mean, why not? I’m arguing with people I care about and looping over all my extremely valid personal problems. Death, disabilities of loved ones, abandonment, distance, misunderstandings, unproductiveness, confusion … . These are all super justifiable reasons to forget what I’m grateful for and cry. I’ve often been told I’m a strong person. While I believe it to be true for my long term resilience, I’m pretty delicate in my day to day experiences. It feels a bit paradoxical. There is a fine line between destructive self deprecation and taking accountability when you’re in a compromised mental space. I’m part of a community dedicated to helping others and spreading their light. How am I to contribute when I can’t find mine? Hanging onto that idea kept me in the loop. Deciding to feel guilty and judging myself instead of just accepting the normalcy of having occasional unwanted thoughts made a snowball effect. The more I thought about it, the guiltier I felt. In manifestation land, this is what is referred to as “resistance.”
I wanted to write about feeling good and how to transform your reality. I will still write that at a later date, but this seemed to be a necessary first step. It’s easy to tell others, “Just be grateful and your life will get so much better.” when you’re already in the practice of it and seeing the magic all around you. It’s true, but how can that be felt by anyone in the pit of despair? When you’ve just received bad news, or someone you love is upset with you or in pain? I suppose I just wanted to reach out from my current experience and say that it’s okay to feel bad sometimes. Having a negative thought or experience won’t ruin you unless you overstay your welcome. Mental health requires care just as much as your physical health. They’re very similar, everyone so individual with their metabolisms and strengths. It’s easier for some, harder for others, some mask their struggles. The truth seems simple when you think about it. If you maintain a good diet and regular exercise, staying healthy is not guaranteed, but it’s a pretty solid bet. Likewise, when you practice a good mental health routine, it’s easier to reach for better thoughts and be in a mood that is receptive to gratitude and joy. Additionally, more resilient in the face of challenges. You’re less likely to fall ill when you’re taking care of yourself.
How do we get there? Not too long ago, I was leading a book club on “A Course in Miracles.” The daily workbook practices and meetings really kept me focused on learning and expansion and love. Life got busy and I felt like I couldn’t keep up with it anymore. I definitely noticed a decline in the past couple months as I stopped prioritizing my mental diet. Subsequently, I felt like a leaf in the ocean at the mercy of the waves, no longer in control of my mood or my life. For me, I know the way out is a choice I have to make, even if I don’t feel energetic or enthusiastic about doing anything. The only way out is through. There’s no one right method for everyone, so I want to share some helpful things to try for anyone struggling to find their motivation, spark, or appreciation for their life.
Meditation: My friend Peter told me a ridiculous number of times, “Meditate at least 10 minutes a day, drink plenty of water, and get enough rest, and everything else will take care of itself.” I can say I’ve found this to be very true when I’ve been disciplined enough to do it. It’s like eating a salad to me. I never feel like I’m in the mood to do it, but when I do, it’s pretty great. Another point here is that it’s important to make sure your basic needs are met. If you’re hungry, tired, dehydrated, or haven’t had any sunshine or movement, you’re probably going to feel like a rotting potato. Make yourself a checklist and check in with yourself if you feel funky without any specific cause.
Movement: Just move. Yoga, swimming, running, and going to the gym for a workout is a great way to get your brain back online. Really though, just get outside and go for a walk if you don’t feel good enough to blast “Eye of the Tiger” while pumping yourself up for a big, theatrical apex.
Visualization: I asked my good friend and professional manifestation coach from The Seekers of Wisdom, Gautam, what he does to get himself out of a bad mood. This was the answer he gave me, “Visualizing. Seeing it in my mind gives me such a boost, especially when it really pulls my heartstrings. Reminds me of why.” When you’re feeling down, it’s usually because something you’re experiencing is not the way you want it to be. Spending some time imagining yourself feeling how you want to feel can rejuvenate motivation. Remember you still have so many good days ahead.
Sacrament: Being a member of the church, I’m actually very conservative about my sacrament use. It’s funny to have such a wonderful tool at my disposal, and yet I get so stubborn in my funk and feel like I don’t have time to work on feeling better, I have to hurry up and feel better so I can feel better. Much like salad and meditation, it might take me a minute to get there, but I never regret it once I surrender and choose to make how I feel more important that what I think I need to do. If you’re curious about microdosing and what our church offers, please reach out to our team.
Study: I don’t care what the haters say, I’ve seen plenty of people learn new skills on TikTok. I myself replaced my home A/Cs condensate pump using a YouTube video. You don’t need to sign up for an expensive course or make a 4 year commitment to an academic pursuit. Just learning something new on purpose can make you feel accomplished and boost your confidence enough to remember that you’re capable.
Most importantly, accept and love yourself through your ups and downs. It’s normal. You’re not broken or crazy. Even the most accomplished plant medicine practitioners, psychologists, and inspirational speakers have bad days. It’s part of what it means to be human. You can find your way back whenever you’re ready. In the meantime, don’t guilt yourself for needing some time to feel your feelings. Reach out for help if you need it. You are blessed and a blessing. You are loved and valued beyond your earthly comprehension. Just relax and entertain the belief that everything might be okay quicker than you think.
Oh, I love you! This is like a journal, so vulnerable and so precious. I hope it was as healing for you as it is for the readers. Sending you love siStar!
Thank you Carla! And thanks for being there on my bad days 🙏🏻🥹
thank you for taking the time to write this…it met me right where I am at this week.
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 Thank you Esther. That was my hope and intention. We all go through it and spend so much time thinking it means there’s something wrong with us, when we really just need some love and acceptance. We’re all in this life together. I’m very grateful for your comment and to know it touched someone.